a beginning to something ::
I see them in my spirit-eye, hundreds of little flesh-people pinging around inside an institution; the state is their legal guardian, a paperwork file their goodnight blanket and it should never be so. Their heart-lanterns are barely lit, the dust is heavy in their chests and who will wipe off the masks they wear and give them lessons in flight?
{via tumblr, specific source unknown}
After 300 and some odd days of adoption prayers launching off our lips and just as many days of savoring the desire to transplant one or two tinies into our family, we took what was in that pot rotating from the front and back of our proverbial heart-burners and ate it like it was finally time.
{It looked and felt like THIS.}
But when it’s time, it’s time and we didn’t waste any more of it before calling the Foster/Adoptive Mission and scheduling a meeting so we could hear about all the ways we didn’t qualify. That was our fearful thinking anyway and the stream-of-conscious mind-musings would run something like this: “I wonder if it matters that we went through foreclosure this year? Do we make enough money in the eyes of the state? How much will adoption cost? Is our apartment big enough for their housing guidelines? We would need a minivan for even one more child and we don’t have the resources, how will that work?”. Etc. Etc.
The fear whorls with excitement in our bellies when we walk through the star-dotted, blue-black night toward the church where we will find the answers we seek and the adoption representative greets us with a stack of information and starts her memorized monologue by telling us how many abused and neglected kids are in the “system” and an unconscious shiver slithers all down the pearl-like bones of my vertebrae whenever I hear the words “child” and “system” in the same sentence. And we are only in the very first stage of this “grafting in” process, but I get all claw-footed, holy-fire-fierce inside while sitting in that room listening to statistics designed to stagger—but no less affecting for all that. There’s a silent begging in my brain: please don’t tell me any more because my arms are already poised to wrap and we’ve got months to go before they could possibly be requited with the sensation of holding at least one hurting little girl tight against my God-filled body; I have months to go before the Love in my hands can begin the arduous journey of rubbing the abuse and neglect off her skin.
But, she does tell us more then our hearts were meant to handle, I am convinced, and the knowledge of what goes on in this world in just a sliver shy of causing complete paralyzation . . . There’s this woman they know, something unspeakable must’ve happened to her at some point in her life because she doesn’t know her own worth and can’t keep her legs together or the heroin needles from her veins, so she just keeps pushing addicted babies (5 to be exact) right out of her belly and into the state’s rehab cradle. My God, that’s just one story.
In the end, Austin and I, we’re catching our breath and sitting in trepidation while waiting for the answers to all our fear-like questions and would you know? Not one of them mattered or was validated and can I tell you how high we were from our own qualification? Oh, we still need to work out the vehicle part (a minor detail, right?!) but adoption through the state of CT? Is FREE. Not many things in this world carry that four-letter word, but I find that all the ones that matter do.
We went in with all our questions and concerns and came out under the same night sky with air in our feet and something close to euphoria thrumming in our blood and we’re valiantly saluting a beginning that has no definable outcome for us . . . From refinement of time and trial, we know better then to wrap our fists around our own expectations because it seems that quite often the catalyst which launches a movement in our lives is not always the same as where we end up, but we do believe that something life-altering and New Kingdom promoting is present inside each tiny fiber of this forward-moving thread.
I’ll keep you posted. And your prayers would be so tenderly appreciated.
Love,
Erika
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39 Comments
I can’t wait until He fills your arms again. You’re right here in my prayers.
Oh. I “thank” you so very muchly, Hyacynth.
Love,
Erika
oh darling. you will hold strong under this, no doubt. throwing my prayers high and wide for you into the morning sky. they are but echos to what He already knows. You are meant for great love. I feel it.
My Tara. Your morning words, thrown “high and wide”, make me feel better then I am. Thank-you for letting me feel your arms and giving me such great Love.
Love you,
Erika
Chills and goosebumps and tears, here. I love you, your heart, and those men in your home who dance this dance along with you.
This is so big and so wonderful, my heart can hardly stand it.
You and your words? They mean ever so much to me, Ash. I can’t thank you enough for warming my heart the way you just did.
Love you real deep, friend.
Erika
erika, prayers abound. thank you for your YES. xo
Suzannah, your prayer abundance overwhelms me with joy. And “thank-you” for your Love so big.
Love You,
Erika
for every need, God has a need-filler. for the child, a family. for the family who needs a bigger vehicle. . . well, just the right vehicle. just as the questions you had didn’t matter, the ones you STILL have are NOTHING for Him to conquer. NOTHING. clear on that? this child, these children. . . they are not yours first. they are HIS. and He is providing, already, without you. He provided for mine, first, without us. once we grasp this truth, the questions, though they still remain, become simply a mist floating around, occupying a bit of space. but they disappear as easily as they came. not trying to romanticize a hard reality, because obviously these are real issues that have to be dealt with. but the even greater reality is this: GOD. that’s right. and He has a plan, for even these least that live among us, that He has promised to care for and provide for and give hope for a future. and maybe, just maybe, His plan is to include you in that. wow. are you ready to live out the privilege?
sorry. guess my passion overtakes me there a bit every once in a while. you KNOW i’m so excited right here along with you on this journey. can’t wait to see exactly what God’s plans are for you.
love always,
steph
You know what I love about you?! I LOVE so many things about you, but this morning I am fiercely grateful for your AUTHORITY. And that passion you were saying sorry for? Don’t. Because it breaks down walls like their freakin’ NOTHING.
My God. I’m grateful for you, friend.
Love you so much,
Erika
once again, you go before me my friend- and as always, you give me courage. praying for your whole family.
xo
We’ll just keep wrapping our arms around each other and that courage thing will flow continuous, I’m convinced.
Thank-you so very much, darlin’.
Love,
Erika
Oh, oh – many prayers as you continue to dive in and see what and who God has in mind for you. There will surely be huge hurdles (and the van is the least of them) – like damage already done, even to tiny human persons and the aftermath of that – but you and your family are already gifted to deal with all of that. You’re each of you fierce warriors for the good and the right and the true. And that little girl, whoever and wherever she is, is going to need that fierceness. It’s a match waiting to be made. Blessings as you wait on tiptoe to see.
And because support is coming all the way from the west coast, I’m even more certain that we’re going to “make it”. You strengthen my heart tremendously, Diana.
Love,
Erika
So, so excited and happy for you! And really, just full of wonderment over how God will orchestrate these details until a child is in your arms. I will be praying.
Leigh, can I tell you something? Your prayers, so freely and fully given, humble right down to the floor. I’m a little bit choked on emotion right now . . . I thank you, friend.
Love,
Erika
i threw my arms around Her legs
came to weeping, came to weeping…
no words, dear you.
just love.
xo.
I throw my arms around Her legs too and weeping is a waterfall.
I love you, dear you.
Me.
We are on the same journey to find someone to unmask…ours has a certain little face God only gives little people with Down syndrome…and we may wait eons…but that first cuddle of Love unrequited so long will be SO SWEET!
Oh Genevieve!!! Have you ever read Expecting Adam?!?!? You absolutely MUST!!! There is a corner of my heart that wishes the same thing – for the “certain little face”, but don’t know if that is our story or not . . . Bless you, sister. Bless you.
Love,
Erika
YES! Read it earlier this year, 3 years into our wait, which was railroaded by my cancer. It was literally like my husband came to me and said, Let’s adopt a baby with down syndrome”, and I looked at him funny, and then I said okay, and then I had cancer. Not to scare you or anything. I guess I’m just saying sometimes you open up your heart for God to move in your life, and it goes a different direction than you’d planned. I wouldn’t have traded these years for anything. And I’m sure, if we do get to do it now that I’m in remission (YAY! 4 years as a patient now in remission 2/2/12) I’ll be a much better mama to that baby because of how God’s shaped me because I said “Yes”. Does that make any sense? I’m rambling today!
I believe every word you spoke Genevieve, blessed one. You have my fervent prayers, dearest.
Love,
Erika
And this:
…expect the increase of faith that is always the Lord’s deposit for years of testing and tasting.
~ Andrée Seu, Way Out on a Limb
praying for all your needs to be filled and for you and your family, Erika. You’re such a blessing, and ones with hearts like yours are needed for these children, that’s for sure. that compassion you have for the parents too… keep that alive dear, as you take these children into your arms. perhaps your prayers will change their lives too. love, love, love.
My deepest, humblest “thanks” Brianne . . . Your support touches me more then you know.
I love you,
Erika
I know I can’t speak on behalf of those institutionalized children, but something in me still leaps out in thank yous–for facing the darkness and fears and statistics with your arms still poised to wrap. You have support coming from a little town across the Atlantic too.
To know that prayers are coming all the way from over there, where you are? I can see them like a fog stretching and arcing and whorling across the distance and it brings me tears of great joy.
Bless you kindred sister, bless you.
I love you,
Erika
Wow, this is exciting : frightening : beautiful! That you are living and grasping and releasing – Yes! – oh, and aching, such aching.
Grace in the whisper, dear one.
I harbor your whispered grace very close to my being and rejoice that you would give it, Janae . . .
Love,
Me
“…quite often the catalyst which launches a movement in our lives is not always the same as where we end up…” I love this line:) I have found that to be so true. Good thoughts for your journey down this path.
Mel
“Good thoughts” will bring us closer to something!
Thanks Mel-Belle!!
Love,
Me
I’m very excited for you and this new chapter in your story. Can’t wait to see what is written. <3
Thank-you dearest. . . . {{{HUGS}}}
Love,
Me
Oh, how I remember all those feelings you and Austin are feeling. There is great excitement as God softens and prepares your hearts and your family for a child that He has already picked for you. I remember being asked if we wanted a boy or a girl and without hesitation Jim and I knew it didn’t matter as God had already decided who that someone would be. She is now 25 years old and an amazing woman of God. She has filled our home with a passion and a love that makes us complete. He knew what this family needed . He knows and He has already made straight the path for you and your family. The journey will be filled with many emotions and I will never forget the day our daughter was placed in our arms. You will be asked , ” Can you love someone else’s child as much as your own” And I say, Oh, yes, because they are HIs first and an amazing gift to you.”
We are excited for the day we get to meet your special Smile! From God! Lots of love and prayers~ Your second family!!
You put the biggest smile on my face “Aunt” Shannon . . . Your words of tender wisdom and encouragement? I’m gonna stick them right next to my heart for the times when the going gets tough . . . I’ll remember your story and hang on to hope.
Love you,
Erika
thinking of you, friend… xo
Oh. Thank-you, my Em.
Love,
E
Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing.
http://www.tinyhumanproject.wordpress.com
Thank-you Mrs. Something.
I’m heading over to check out your link.
Love,
Erika